Why I Put One Foot in Front of the Other...

These two little women light up my life day after day. Hannah is so remarkably smart, a great critical thinker, so wise about the world, head strong, and talented. J is amazing, despite her many medical challenges she remains unscathed. She reminds me everyday that it is a beautiful day and tells me I am her best friend. The past few months have been markedly difficult. I am kind of floundering as a SAHM. I have been going to school full-time. Graduation is no longer a pipe dream but becoming more and more a reality. I guess that was the goal, right?

I have been looking for a job, but this job market just sucks. I am sure I could find some sort of part-time work anywhere, but that isn't what I am after. I am looking to start a career and the opportunities just aren't there. I am downright frustrated. However, because of these two amazing creatures I put one foot in front of the other and try to understand that things are whatever they will be. I am relishing every moment with them. It only happens once.

This awful market is making me stop and wonder if I could be a SAHM for even longer than planned (while in school). How could I be effective? Right now, and for the last two years school has taken up a large part of my mind. I don't know how I would shift gears to "just" being a SAHM and if I would feel okay with it. I find it ironic that I have fallen into traditional gender roles despite growing up with a strong opposition to them. I always thought I would be a career woman and possibly sometime down the line (late 30's, early 40's) would have one child. Obviously fate had another plan for me and I am sometime in the near future going to be staring 30 in the face and I am domestically ahead of where I thought I would be, but very much behind where I imagined career wise.

I guess it boils down to I don't know what I am going to do. Good jobs are scarce in my field. Good jobs with the benefits I desire are even more scarce and it comes down to what is worth the sacrifice of time with my girls and the money I would have to pay for them to be cared for. SIGH! So what do I do? I continue to put one foot in front of the other and let the chips falls where they may. Inaction is a form of action, so they say. ;)