Here I am again...

Out of control. I am at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face and I wish I could coherently explain why. I just got a call from J's daycare/preschool. She is complaining that her back hurts. And who can blame the kid, she just had major back surgery 10 days ago. My baby is hurting and I can't be with her because I am here. Shortly after that, I login to Facebook. A friend of mine posted a video of her daughter being suprised at school by her dad who had been deployed to Iraq for the last year. More tears, but this time for a different reason. These were happy tears for my friend and her family for surviving a journey that too many people are going through, for reasons that just aren't good enough.

When did being an adult become so damn hard? Why does it hurt so much to be a parent? One of the greatest rewards in the universe comes with a seering pain that creeps up more often than I would like. It kills me that I can't take the pain away from my baby. Depiste being attentive, conscientous, and loving that she is still in pain from something the doctors nor I can control or predict. I hate that she can't just sit through a preschool lesson on letters and counting without the throbbing pain reminding that her back is hurting. She is in pain. And she has gone through an ordeal more times than is fair, eduring more than I ever have had to.

I keep telling myself it will get better, but it hasn't. It is hard to remain positive and looking on the bright side when we don't end up on the bright side, we end up going down the same road again and unfortunately, it is a bumpy one.

I miss the actresses of old...

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.”- Mae West

Maybe, just maybe....

I started working. I am not going to go into details about what I do because its rarely kosher to blog about your workplace. Its a slippery slope that I am not going to get into. However, I will say that I love and thoroughly enjoy what I do. I was at a point in my work life where I thought I wouldn't ever have a career because thus far nothing made me happy and intellectually stimulated me at the same time; I thought it was a balance that just didn't happen. I could never find that happy medium of fulfillment. I think I have found it. No, I don't have my dream job and its not where I expected- but surprisingly its a good fit. I didn't think I would find a fit until I met the fantasy. And maybe the fantasy isn't out there. I am starting to become okay with that.

As much as I have struggled with it, I have really enjoyed being at home with the girls. I didn't want to end and it ended rather abruptly. I got the offer on a Thursday to start on Monday. I thought I would be anxiety-ridden, overwhelmed and overall have a difficult time coping. I am not though. I was starting to think the balanced working mom scenario was a myth and a lie people told themselves to cope with their situation, or whatever the driving need was to work- financial or otherwise. However, I am finding maybe as women we CAN have it all. Maybe, we aren't being fooled into thinking so but that it is reality. Maybe, just maybe, we CAN have the well-adjusted children, the 'perfect' home, the spouse/partner, and a career that makes us feel like a valued, intelligent autonomous person. Maybe, its a reality.

I am hoping something doesn't happen to burst my bubble, because so far all is good. I didn't know life could be this good while working. It reminds me of that saying that sometime someone is going to walk into your life and then you will know why it never worked with anyone else. That is how I feel about my job. I have never felt this way before, and now I know and I am at peace with opportunities I have passed up or that didn't work out.

However, I cannot help but be reminded of words from my favorite girl- Marilyn Monroe, "A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night..."

My thoughts on love...

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."

Summarizing my thoughts...

I am in a really pensive place right now. Things just aren't falling together the way that I would like. Although, it could be worse and things could be falling apart- thankfully, that's not where I am at. Even though sometimes it feels like it. I am in a place where I am experiencing feelings that really bring me down due to things that are out of me control. I am realizing my best isn't good enough, that is a hard pill to swallow.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right. You will be criticized anyway." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."- Nietzsche

My Theme Song...

The Cursing Dora!

J says some crazy things. I don't know where she gets them from and I would love to be a fly on the wall in her brain for even just an hour. On Sunday she said that her Dora only like her, and that if we talked to her (Dora) she would say bad words to us. I literally LOL'd! How would you market a cursing Dora? I am thinking you wouldn't even have to. I would love, for my own amusement and not my children's, to hear Dora drop the F-Bomb- even just once would make my day!

Just the way she is...

Me: Were you good at dance class?
JC: Nope, I goofed off.

At least she is honest and knows when she is out of line.. I guess.

Everything....

Why I Put One Foot in Front of the Other...

These two little women light up my life day after day. Hannah is so remarkably smart, a great critical thinker, so wise about the world, head strong, and talented. J is amazing, despite her many medical challenges she remains unscathed. She reminds me everyday that it is a beautiful day and tells me I am her best friend. The past few months have been markedly difficult. I am kind of floundering as a SAHM. I have been going to school full-time. Graduation is no longer a pipe dream but becoming more and more a reality. I guess that was the goal, right?

I have been looking for a job, but this job market just sucks. I am sure I could find some sort of part-time work anywhere, but that isn't what I am after. I am looking to start a career and the opportunities just aren't there. I am downright frustrated. However, because of these two amazing creatures I put one foot in front of the other and try to understand that things are whatever they will be. I am relishing every moment with them. It only happens once.

This awful market is making me stop and wonder if I could be a SAHM for even longer than planned (while in school). How could I be effective? Right now, and for the last two years school has taken up a large part of my mind. I don't know how I would shift gears to "just" being a SAHM and if I would feel okay with it. I find it ironic that I have fallen into traditional gender roles despite growing up with a strong opposition to them. I always thought I would be a career woman and possibly sometime down the line (late 30's, early 40's) would have one child. Obviously fate had another plan for me and I am sometime in the near future going to be staring 30 in the face and I am domestically ahead of where I thought I would be, but very much behind where I imagined career wise.

I guess it boils down to I don't know what I am going to do. Good jobs are scarce in my field. Good jobs with the benefits I desire are even more scarce and it comes down to what is worth the sacrifice of time with my girls and the money I would have to pay for them to be cared for. SIGH! So what do I do? I continue to put one foot in front of the other and let the chips falls where they may. Inaction is a form of action, so they say. ;)

6 Year Old Girl Pat Down By TSA

OK, So this video has gone viral with nearly a half million hits. Some are outraged that TSA would pat down a 6-year old girl. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. If we were travelling and TSA chose one of my daughters to pat down I can't say I wouldn't be perturbed. However, I would be grateful that they were taking their job seriously enough to move beyond stereotypes of who looks like a terrorist. Truth be told, terrorists come in all races, genders, religions, nationalities, and mental states. We live in a world where it is not outside the realm of possibility for a terrorist to use a child in order to do what they think they 'need' to do. That's reality. It is the reality we live in and the reality that our children live in. As parents it is our responsibility not only to teach them of the great possibility that life brings, but also the grim realities that lurk in the shadows. Our children are never going to live in a time where airport security, or security of any kind is more lax.

For those who continue to take issue, how about you have lax security on the flight that YOU are about to board and leave your safety to chance. 9/11 may have been ten years ago but the truth remains that we haven't done anything as a nation to build our public relations on the international front since that point in time, we have only further fractured them. Until we are viewed as 'nice guys,' say like Sweden, which in all likelihood will never happen we are going to have enemies and those enemies will try to attack. We need to take precautions. If those precautions are patting down six year olds and taking only 3 oz of hairspray on a flight, it in a small price to pay for peace of mind in life and death situations.